


wallflower

by flowerhyunjins



Category: EXO (Band), GOT7, Monsta X (Band), SHINee, The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012), The Perks of Being a Wallflower - All Media Types, Wanna One (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Past Sexual Abuse, but the storyline and plot are, closeted yoongi, i excluded the rocky horror stuff bc idk how to yknow ??, jin and hoseok are brothers, mayyybe taken from the transcript, mental breakdowns, nammin but it doesnt work out, openly gay hoseok, personalities arent exactly like the characters, so are joon and baekhyun and jinyoung, whoops that was pretty weird tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-02-01 10:24:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 16,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12703020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerhyunjins/pseuds/flowerhyunjins
Summary: namjoon doesnt know how to keep himself together.or, in which namjoon starts highschool and everything is as he expected.[editing]





	1. Chapter 1

_Dear Friend,  
I am writing to you because she said you listen and understand and didn't try to sleep with that person at that party even though you could have. Please don't try to figure out who she is because then you might figure out who I am, and I don't want you to do that. I just need to know that people like you exist. Like if you met me, you wouldn't think I was the weird kid who spent time in the hospital. And I wouldn't make you nervous._

_I hope it's okay for me to think that. You see, I haven't really talked to anyone outside of my family all summer. But tomorrow is my first day of high school ever, and I really need to turn things around this year. So, I have a plan._

_As I enter the school for the first time, I will visualize what it will be like on the last day of my senior year. I walk down the hall. Triumphant. Confident. Happy. Unfortunately, I counted, and that's...1385 days from now. Just 1385 days. Well, after today, I'd have 1384 days to go. And just so I say it to someone, high school is even worse than middle school._

_In the meantime, I'd hoped that my brother, Baekhyun, and his boyfriend, Chanyeol, would have let me eat lunch with their earth club. But...maybe not. He tells me its seniors only, then he turns to his boyfriend and demands to know why he's using a plastic spork. Chanyeol is a pussy, but that's my opinion._

_When Baekhyun said no, I thought maybe my old friend Kyungsoo would want to have lunch with me. In middle school, he was very fun to be around, but now he doesn't like to say hi to me anymore._

_And then there's Min Yoongi, who's the quarterback of our team. Before my other brother, Jinyoung, went to play football for Penn State, he and Yoongi played together. So, I thought maybe he'd say hi to me. But Yoongi's a senior, and I'm me, so...who am I kidding?_

_On the bright side, one senior decided to make fun of the teacher instead of the freshmen. He even drew on Mr. Callahan's legendary goatee with a grease pencil. Meet Hoseok, the personification of sunshine. Full of light, mischief, and so over high school. He is the class clown, performing a perfect imitation of Mr. Callahan._

_He says, and I quote, "Boys, the prick punch is not a toy. I learned that in 'Nam back in '68. "Callahan," the sergeant said, "put down that prick punch and go kill some gooks.""_

_The laughter suddenly dies as the real Mr. Callahan walks up behind the oblivious Hoseok._

_And obviously enough, he doesn't notice, so Hoseok continues talking anyway, "But you know what happened? That prick punch killed my best friend in a Saigon whorehouse."_

_Hoseok suddenly feels Mr. Callahan behind him. Oops._

_Mr. Callahan says, "I heard you were going to be in my class. Are you proud being a senior taking freshman shop class, horse?"_

_Hoseok stands up and looks him dead in the eye. "My name is Hoseok. You call me Hoseok or you call me nothing."_

_"Okay...Nothing."_

_The class laughs. Except me. I watch Hoseok take the long walk back to his seat. I felt really bad for Hoseok. He wasn't saying the impersonation to be mean or anything. He was just trying to make us freshmen feel better._

_My last class of the day is advanced English, and I'm excited to finally start learning with the smartest kids in the school._

~

A smart ass freshman girl with braces smiles at Namjoon sarcastically. "Nice Trapper Keeper, faggot."

The kids around him laugh. Namjoon's cheeks turn red. At the blackboard, the teacher writes his name; Mr. Wang. Jackson Wang.

Mr. Wang turns around to face the class. "Shhh. I'm Mr. Wang. I'm going to be your teacher for Freshman Literature. This semester, we're going to be learning Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird. Genius book. Now, who wants to get out of the first pop quiz?"

All hands go up. Except Namjoon's. Jackson paces the rows.

Jackson pulls an amused face. "I'm shocked. Alright. You can skip the quiz if you tell me which author invented the paperback book. Anyone?"

As the kids think, he continues, "He's British. He also invented the serial. In fact, at the end of Chapter 3 of his first novel, he had a man hanging off a cliff by his fingernails. Hence, the term cliffhanger. Anybody?"

Some freshman girl pipes up, "Shakespeare?"

Jackson shakes his head. "That's a great guess, but no, Shakespeare didn't write novels. Anybody else?"

The kids are silent.

"The author was-"

Jackson is about to give the answer when he notices Namjoon has already written Charles Dickens.

"Charles Dickens," Jackson finishes, "However, if you and I had gone to a play in Shakespeare's time, it would have cost 4 pennies. Can you imagine that? We would have put those pennies in a metal box, which the ushers would lock in the office. And that's where we get the term...anyone?"

Different kids come up with random answers like "Office Depot!" or "Office Supplies!", but Namjoon writes down "Box Office", then looks up to find that Jackson is staring at him. Waiting for him to raise his hand.

"I'll give you a free A on anything but the final term paper if you get it right," He bargains, more specifically with Namjoon.

Namjoon looks down. He's not going to answer.

"Box office," Jackson reveals.

The kids groan. They should have known. Namjoon smiles to himself. He's going to like this class.

Almost an hour later, The bell rings. The students chatter their way out of class. The last to leave is Namjoon.

"You should participate," Jackson says before Namjoon leaves, "Why didn't you raise your hand?"

Namjoon shrugs.

"They call you teacher's pet? Freak?"

Namjoon nods.

"I used to get spaz. I mean, come on, spaz?"

Namjoon smiles. Jackson takes a moment.

"So I heard you had a tough time last year," Jackson tells him, "But they say if you make one friend on your first day, you're doing okay."

"Thank you sir," Namjoon finally responds, "But if my English teacher is the only one friend I make today, that would be sort of depressing."

Jackson doesn't take that in an offensive way. "Yeah. I could see that."

"Don't worry Mr. Wang." Namjoon smiles half-heartedly. "I'm okay."

Jackson nods and watches Namjoon exit. He gets swallowed up by the crowd as the bell rings. There, out of nowhere, a senior bully grabs Namjoon's book.

"Hey, Freshman Toad," He taunts.

The bully rips the cover. He throws it on the ground as his friends laugh and disappear down the hall. Namjoon walks up and picks up his book, sighing at it's torn cover.

~

_If my parents ask me about it, I probably won't tell them the truth because I don't want them to worry that I might get bad again._

_If my aunt were still here, I could talk to her. And I know she would understand how I am both happy and sad, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be. I just hope I make a friend soon._

_Love always, Namjoon._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just so yall know, since im 100% basing this on the perks of being a wallflower except for the characters, everything is set in america and all the family shit is american and not korean. so since they dont usually show as much respect to their elders as koreans do, this might seem a little off to some people? especially for koreans ig?? and so for that i apologize. i wasnt meaning to portray bts, or exo, or got7 as american or anything im just going with the flow of the actual movie/book.

Namjoon is in the kitchen, pouring his milk.

His mom calls for him from the dining room, "Joon, come on."

He walks out of the kitchen. His family is seated around the table. Baekhyun's boyfriend, Chanyeol, is their special guest.

"This chicken paprikash is delicious, Mrs. Kim," Chanyeol compliments.

Namjoon's father rolls his eyes, then reads his sports page.

Namjoon's mom decides on being nice though, "Thank you, Chanyeol. It's Namjoon's favourite. He was a little nervous about starting high school, so I made it."

"You feel a little silly being nervous now, huh, champ?" His dad speaks up.

Namjoon laughs uneasily, "Yes, sir. I sure do."

Namjoon carries his milk back to the table. He quickly sits, hoping someone will change the subject.

His dad continues, "I told you. Just give 'em a smile and be yourself. That's how you-"

"Make friends in the real world," Baekhyun finishes for him.

"Freshman year is tough, but you really find yourself," Chanyeol adds.

His father does a deep eye roll. "Thanks, Chanyeol."

Later on that night, Namjoon's father and mother watch a local sports show. He passes by them with ice cream on his way downstairs.

"I think you could be a little nicer to Chanyeol," His mother says.

"I'm sorry," His father genuinely apologizes, "The kid's a pussy. I can't stand him."

Namjoon moves to the entry hall. He looks through the screen door to the porch where Chanyeol kisses Baekhyun's cheek goodbye. As Chanyeol walks to his car, Baekhyun joins Namjoon.

Chanyeol waves from the car. "I hope you love the mix I made. The cover is hand-painted."

When he gets into his car, Baekhyun hands Namjoon the mixtape. "Joon, do you want this?"

"Are you sure?"

"He gives me one every week."

Namjoon tries his best to think that Chanyeol was just over affectionate and dorky.

~

Weeks later on a Friday Night Football in Western, PA. Namjoon buys his cola and nachos and wanders to the bleachers. He sits alone, trying to blend in by cheering with the rest of students. When the Mill Grove Devils recover a fumble, he hears someone yell.

Hoseok is cheering on the bleachers above him, "Come on Devils!"

Namjoon looks up at Hoseok, cheering his head off.

Twin senior girls pass him, taunting him in union, "Hey, Nothing."

"Suck it, virginity pledges!" Hoseok yells back at them.

Namjoon wants to go up to Hoseok so badly. After practically driving himself crazy and sitting up and down twice, he approaches the boy.

"Hey, Hoseok," He starts awkwardly.

"Hey!" Hoseok greets him cheerfully, "You're in my shop class, right? How's your clock coming?"

"My dad's building it," Namjoon tells him.

"Yeah. Mine looks like a boat," He jokes, "You want to sit over here, or are you waiting for your friends?"

Namjoon doesn't want to tell him he doesn't have any friends, so he settles with, "No. I'll sit if that's okay."

Hoseok motions for Namjoon to sit. Namjoon does so, feeling elated.

Hoseok starts talking to him again, "Thanks for not calling me "Nothing" by the way. It's an endless nightmare. And these assholes, they actually think they're being original."

Namjoon doesn't respond. He doesn't know how to.

Min Yoongi puts on his helmet and rushes onto the field. Namjoon dries his hands on his pants. He feels so nervous. There's a 5-second silence between them that feels like a year.

_Think of something to say. Anything, goddammit._

"So, uh...you like football?"

"Love it," Hoseok replies shortly, but excitedly.

"Then, maybe you know my broth-"

"Hey, Seokjin!" Hoseok cuts him off accidentally.

Namjoon looks up. Standing there is the most charming guy he's ever seen. Seokjin would make every mother proud and every father nervous. He is alive, adventurous, and a world-class flirt. Great attitude, he had.

"Question. Could the bathrooms here be more disgusting?" He asks, semi-rhetorically.

Seokjin sits down, sandwiching Namjoon between him and Hoseok. Namjoon tries hard to remain casual.

_Hang in there, buddy._

"Well, I finally got hold of Yugyeom,” Seokjin says.

"Party tonight?"

"No. He's still trying to shag that waitress from Olive Garden."

Hoseok laughs, “He's never tossing that salad."

Yoongi marches the Devils offense down the field. The kids clap. Seokjin looks at Namjoon, then turns back to Hoseok.

"Hoseok, who's this?" He inquires, talking about Namjoon.

"This is..." Hoseok trails off.

"Uh, Kim Namjoon.”

"No shit!" Hoseok exclaims, "Your brother dates Park Chanyeol does he?"

"Leave Chanyeol alone. You put the "ass" in "class," Hoseok," Seokjin teases.

"I try, Seokjin. I try."

Seokjin turns to Namjoon. "It's nice to meet you, Namjoon. I'm Seokjin."

Seokjin extends his hand to Namjoon. They shake. Then, Seokjin grabs a nacho.

"So, what's the plan, Seokjin? You want to go to Taehyung’s house?" Hoseok asks her.

"Can't. He got caught watering down his parent's brandy with iced tea," Seokjin snickers, "Let's just go to Kings."

Hoseok turns to Namjoon. "Hey. We're going to Kings after the game if you want to come."

Namjoon nods just as Yoongi tosses a touchdown pass. The fans go crazy. Especially Hoseok. Namjoon smiles.

~

The Devils' faithfully cheer as Yoongi and his guys enter. The place is packed. Hoseok and Seokjin are drinking some coffee while Namjoon eats his brownie. They're all excited.

"Do you have a favourite band?" Seokjin asks Namjoon.

"I think Wanna One is my favourite," Namjoon tells her.

"Are you kidding!? I love them!” Seokjin exclaims excitedly, "What's your favourite song?"

“Always, the acoustic version. I heard it on Chanyeol's mixtape for my sister."

"That works on so many levels," Hoseok jokes.

"I could make a copy for you," Namjoon offers.

"Thanks," Seokjin says, "What about Eide's? You love Eide's, right?"

Namjoon doesn't know what that is, but for the sake of fitting in, he says, "Yeah. They're great."

Hoseok snorts, "Not a band, Namjoon. It's an old record store downtown. I used to be popular before Seokjin got me some good music. So, watch out. He'll ruin your life forever."

Yoongi, the quarterback, passes with his friends, taunting, "Hey, Nothing."

"Let it go! Jesus! It's an old joke! It's over!" Hoseok yells at them.

Seokjin laughs, it's humorous to him, watching Hoseok get riled up.

"So Namjoon, what are you gonna do when you get out of here?" Seokjin asks curiously.

"My aunt said I should be a writer, but I don't know what I'd write about."

"You could write about us," Seokjin suggests.

"Yeah. Call it Slut and The Falcon," Hoseok says, "Make us solve crimes."

Seokjin laughs at his terrible title for a story while Namjoon smiles. "You guys look happy together. How long have you been boyfriends?"

They start laughing hysterically as Namjoon gives them a weird look, "What?"

"He's my step-brother. My mom finally left my worthless dad and married his nice dad 3 years ago," Seokjin tells him.

_That's nice Namjoon, you've managed to embarrass yourself twice- no, thrice in a row tonight, in front of your first ever potential friends._

"But Seokjin's not bitter. Make no mistake," Hoseok says.

"Absolutely not."

~

Namjoon hops out of Seokjin's old truck. The music blares.

"Thanks for paying, Namjoon," Hoseok thanks him.

Namjoon eagerly responds, "No problem. Thanks for the ride. Hey, maybe I'll see you around in school?"

Seokjin is distracted and didn't hear Namjoon, so he yells at Hoseok, "God, would you turn that down? You're going to make us deaf. Bye, Namjoon."

"Bye Namjoon," Hoseok says.

"Okay, bye," Namjoon says.

Namjoon waves as the truck leaves. The look on his face shows the happiness from one night of company.

Namjoon enters the house, excited to tell someone his news. He runs up the stairs to find the living room empty. He hears the TV playing downstairs in the basement. As Namjoon approaches, he hears muffled sounds of fighting.

It's Chanyeol apologizing to Baekhyun about whatever it was they were fighting about, "I'm sorry. I can't do anything about it. Please talk to me."

"Maybe your mom and I should have a "drive us to our appointment" contest. Then, I could spend a Saturday with you," Baekhyun argues angrily.

Namjoon watches from the slit in the open door.

"There's nothing I can do-"

"Do you always want to be a mama's boy?"

"I am not a-"

"Yes! Yes, you are! Every time I go to your house-"

"Shh, shut up."

Baekhyun goes on anyway, "Your mom says, "Don't go to Columbia with Baekhyun. Go to Pitt, Chan. Mommy needs you to stay at home because she can't drive herself." She's only 51!"

"Shut up, Baekhyun!"

Namjoon enters, wanting to stop the fight. Chanyeol's neck is red, he's dangerously angry. Baekhyun keeps digging.

"And you just stand there like a little bitch dog."

Out of nowhere, Chanyeol slaps him across the face. It's not a movie slap, it's a real slap. And after it, silence. Baekhyun turns and sees Namjoon. It sobers him up. Namjoon moves at Chanyeol but Baekhyun stops him.

"Namjoon, just go. I can handle it. Just don't wake up mom and dad," He pleads.

He pushes him out of the room and closes the door.

Namjoon sits at his desk. He was so disturbed. He hears a car start outside. He moves to his window and looks down at Chanyeol and Baekhyun near Chanyeol's car. Chanyeol is visibly crying. Baekhyun comforts him, and after a beat, they kiss.

He exits his room and approaches the stairs. Namjoon stands at the top of the stairs as Baekhyun enters the house. He's startled when he sees Namjoon. They start to whisper to each other.

"What are you doing?" Namjoon starts first.

"Look, I egged him on. You saw it," Baekhyun explains, "He's never hit me before. I promise he'll never hit me again."

He's about to go back downstairs when Namjoon says, "Like Aunt Cass' boyfriends?"

A silence passes between them.

"Namjoon, this is Chanyeol. I can handle him. Will you trust me? Please don't tell mom and dad."

With a desperately confident nod, Baekhyun goes downstairs. Namjoon stands in the entry hall, troubled.


	3. Chapter 3

The Homecoming Dance is in full swing. God bless everyone, especially Namjoon. He's alone at the wall, dressed in his suit. To Seokjin, adorable. To himself, it was living hell.

Namjoon watches his brother as he slow dances with Chanyeol. As happy as he looks, Namjoon still isn't sure if he did the right thing by keeping quiet about what happened last night. The song ends to applause.

Namjoon turns away from his brother and his boyfriend. He sees Seokjin and Hoseok at the punch bowl. The first chords of “Mansae” by Seventeen plays.

"Oh my God, they're playing good music," Seokjin gasps.

"Holy shit! They are! They're playing good music!" Hoseok yells over the music blasting through the speakers.

Seokjin says, "Living room routine?"

Hoseok grins mischevously. "Living room routine."

Namjoon watches Seokjin and Hoseok run to the center of the floor and show this stiff crowd what dancing is. It starts slow. They do hand moves, a little shoulder, and then, the best of swing. 30 seconds of dance moves invented by a pair or wild geniuses.

Namjoon takes a breath. He tries desperately not to look like he's dancing toward them but fails as he way too obviously dances toward them. He bobs his head like a dork, and once he gets close, Hoseok and Seokjin turns around and sees him.

"Hey!" They both say.

Without a pause, they grab his hands and the three of them starts moving around together in a circle. Their own island. After a moment, Seokjin moves around Namjoon like he was a maypole as the whole gym explodes into dance.

Namjoon decides he's going to have a lot of fun here tonight.

~

The party rages inside this mansion in the rich part of town. Hoseok and Seokjin walk up the steps with Namjoon tailing.

"God, it's freezing," Seokjin complains.

"But you wore that toasty costume. It's not like you're trying too hard to be original," Hoseok says.

Seokjin rolls his eyes and shoves him lightly. "Piss off, Tennessee Tuxedo."

"Are you sure that it's okay if I come?" Namjoon asks them worriedly.

"Of course," Seokjin reassures him, "Just remember, Yugyeom's not paranoid."

“He's sensitive when high," Hoseok quotes from what Seokjin said a few weeks back.

Seokjin knocks. The door opens, revealing Yugyeom behind it. Yugyeom was the cool high school kid, who never quite left. He's stoned so often that people can't tell the difference whether he's sober or high anymore.

"Hoseok," He slurs, "That waiteress from the Olive Garden is a tease. Will you marry me?"

"Only if I have Seokjin's blessing," Hoseok plays along.

"Seokjin?" Yugyeom asks.

"You're a hopeless stoner who attends the culinary institute, and the dom asks the sub, you idiot." Seokjin smiles. "So, I'm going to have to say "no" on that one, but nice try. Namjoon?"

Before Namjoon can say anything, Hoseok quickly leads him inside, saving him from having to say anything. That leaves Yugyeom staring at Seokjin.

"Touché." Yugyeom says.

Inside the house, Hoseok shows Namjoon around. "Namjoon, this is a party."

The music blasts so loud that the whole house feels like it's shaking. As they walk through the crowd, they smell stale beer and cigarette smoke. It's a typical high school party. The room is packed with kids playing quarters while others are pouring vodka into a watermelon.

"This is what fun looks like," Hoseok says proudly, smiling when he spots two familiar faces. "You ready to meet some desperate gays?”

Jimin and Taehyung, both 17, are sitting on the sofa together. Jimin is smart, well built, yet short, and extremely bossy. Taehyung will figure out that he's a hardcore kleptomaniac in college, but right now, he just likes dogs and books.

"Here, have a seat." Hoseok motions for Namjoon to sit. "Hey guys, meet Namjoon. Namjoon, meet guys.”

They shake hands and say their hellos.

"This is Namjoon's first party ever. So, I expect nice, meaningful, heartfelt blow jobs from both of you," Hoseok jokes.

Jimin rolls his eyes, "Hoseok, you're such a dick."

"Where the hell did you go at the dance?"

"The dance was a little boring, don't you think?"

"You're so selfish. We looked everywhere for you. You could have told someone."

Jimin rolls his eyes. Again. "Cry me a river."

Hoseok scoffs. "How is it that you got meaner since."

He shrugs. "Just lucky I guess."

"I think you're doing something wrong."

"Or something very right."

Hoseok and Jimin laughs at their banter, just as Seokjin calls out from the other side of the room, "Hey! Look who's here!"

The party turns and Namjoon sees Yoongi, the quarterback, enter with Seokjin and Yugyeom. Hoseok approaches them, so Namjoon sits on the beat up couch next to the guys, feeling shocked.

"Is that Min Yoongi?" He asks them.

"Yeah, he comes here sometimes," Taehyung responds.

Namjoon furrows his eyebrows, "But he's a popular kid."

Jimin is offended. "Then what are we?"

Namjoon tries to think of something, but he can't. The guys turn, ignoring him. Yugyeom approaches with a tray of brownies.

Yugyeom says, "Namjoon, you look like you could use a brownie."

"Thank you. I was so hungry at the dance," Namjoon tells him, "I was gonna go to King's, but I didn't really have any time. Thanks."

Yugyeom smiles. Taehyung gives Jimin a knowing glance. Namjoon bites into the brownie, the icing gushing between his teeth. His vision goes blurry like smoke as he chews.

Later, the music changes, and Namjoon is now baked out of his mind. The whole party surrounds him now, pissing themselves with laughter as this shy kid talks and talks.

"Have you guys felt this carpet? This carpet feels so darn good," He slurs.

Jimin laughs, "Namjoon, what do you think about high school?"

"High school? Bullshit," Namjoon scoffs, "The cafeteria is called the Nutrition Center, and people wear their letter jackets even when it's like goddamn 98 degrees out. And why do they give out letters for marching band? That's not a sport, and we all know it."

"This kid is crazy," Jimin giggles.

Namjoon looks at Jimin with his hair slicked to the side, making him look slightly weird.

"And Jimin, I think you're really going to regret that hairstyle when you look back at old photographs." The whole house laughs. "I'm really sorry. That sounded like a compliment in my head."

"Oh my God," Jimin says.

"Well he's not wrong," Taehyung shrugs.

"Shut up!" Jimin punches his arm lightly.

Seokjin enters the room. He takes a quick look, then asks Yugyeom, "Yugyeom, did you get him stoned?"

"Come on Seokjin," Yugyeom groans, "He likes it. Just look at him."

"How do you feel Namjoon?" Seokjin asks.

"I just really want milkshake," Namjoon responds.

The entire room explodes with laughter. Namjoon loves that people find him so funny.

~

Seokjin takes the ice cream from the freezer to the blender. Namjoon watches him make the perfect vanilla milkshake.

"Seokjin, you have such beautiful, warm brown eyes, the kind of beautiful that deserves to make a big deal about itself. You know what I mean?" Namjoon says, drunkenly.

Seokjin huffs out a laugh. "Okay, Namjoon. Let me make the milkshake."

Namjoon stares blankly ahead. "What a great word. Milkshake. It's like when you say your name over and over again in the mirror, and after awhile, it sounds crazy."

"I'm guessing you've never been high before?"

"Me? No. My best friend Choi Youngjae, his dad was a big drinker. So, he hated all that stuff. Parties, too."

"Well, where is Youngjae tonight?"

"Oh, he shot himself last May."

Seokjin looks up, shocked and silent. Namjoon is just stoned.

"I kind of wish he'd left a note. You know what I mean?"

Seokjin nods sadly.

"Where's the bathroom?"

"It's up the stairs."

Namjoon wanders off. Seokjin watches him go.

Soon, Namjoon leaves the bathroom and stops when he sees himself in a large ornate mirror in the hallway.

"Namjoon. Namjoon." Namjoon says, "Weird."

Namjoon wanders down the hallway, a little lost. He finds the door to the master bedroom and opens it. He sees Hoseok and Yoongi. Kissing.

"Whoa," Namjoon says, slightly surprised.

Hoseok quickly jolts back. "Namjoon?"

Yoongi is confused, but becomes nervous when he sees Namjoon at the door, "Who is that kid?"

"Relax. Relax," Hoseok reassures him, "He's a friend of mine. Stay here."

Hoseok closes the bedroom door and follows Namjoon as he walks away from the scene.

"I didn't see anything," Namjoon says when Hoseok is in front of him.

"I know you saw something, but it's okay."

Hoseok takes a quick peek to make sure no one is watching.

"Listen, Yoongi doesn't want anyone to know- wait, are you baked?"

"Like a cake. That's what Yugyeom said. And how you can't have 3 on a match because they would find us. And everyone laughed, but I don't know what's funny." Namjoon explains.

"Okay, Namjoon, listen. I need you to promise that you're not going to say anything to anyone about me and Yoongi. This has to be our little secret," Hoseok pleads.

"Our little secret," Namjoon agrees.

"Thank you. We'll talk later."

"I look forward to that big talk."

Hoseok laughs, goes back to the room, and closes the door.

~

The party has thinned. Seokjin watches Namjoon drink his milkshake obsessively with Taehyung and Jimin.

Namjoon is still stoned. He says, "Isn't this the best milkshake, Taehyung? It's even better than the first one."

Hoseok walks downstairs. Seokjin motions him over.

Seokjin whispers, barely audibly, "I need to talk to you. Namjoon just told me that his best friend shot himself. I don't think he has any friends."

Hoseok turns to look at Namjoon. He feels so bad for the kid.

Hoseok raises his plastic cup to the remaining crowd. "Everyone. Raise your glasses to Namjoon."

Namjoon looks up a little paranoid. Everyone is staring.

"What did I do?" Namjoon asks.

"You didn't do anything. We just want to toast our new friend," Hoseok says, "You see things. And you understand. You're a wallflower."

Namjoon dries his sweaty hands on his pants. He looks around the room at the nods and friendly faces.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Hoseok asks him.

"I didn't think anyone noticed me."

"Well, we didn't think there were any cool people left to meet. So, everyone..."

"To Namjoon," Everyone finishes in unison, then they all drink.

Seokjin approaches him with a knowing smile. "Welcome to the island of misfit toys."

Namjoon gladly smiles back at him.


	4. Chapter 4

The truck speeds on I-376 toward the Fort Pitt Tunnel. Hoseok drives. Seokjin cranks the radio, blaring what they label "The Tunnel Song”. “Rush” by Monsta X is what it's actually called.

"My God. What is this song!?" Seokjin yells over the music.

"Right? I have no idea!" Hoseok exclaims, agreeing with the idea of it being a great song.

"Have you heard it before?" Seokjin asks Namjoon.

Namjoon shakes his head, "Never."

"Wait! Let's go through the tunnel!" Seokjin suggests excitedly.

"Seokjin it's freezing," Hoseok protests.

"Hoseok! It's the perfect song!" Seokjin argues back.

"No. Hoseok says no."

"Hoseok, it's Seokjin. It's Seokjin talking to you, I'm begging you to drive me-"

Hoseok laughs, "Alright! I concede!"

Seokjin climbs through the window to the flat bed. He grips the flood lights to steady himself as he stands.

"What is he doing?" Namjoon asks Hoseok.

"Don't worry. He does it all the time."

"Turn it up!" Seokjin says to them.

"You got it, your highness," Hoseok smiles.

Hoseok turns up the volume and drums his fingers on the steering wheel, just as the truck flies into the tunnel.

Seokjin puts his arms in the air. Namjoon is looking up at Seokjin. He's so in love with this free-spirited guy. He's so happy to have friends, so happy to be alive. Namjoon gets this look on his face. Hoseok notices and smiles.

"What?" Hoseok asks him.

"I feel infinite."

The truck flies out of the Fort Pitt Tunnel onto the bridge. Hoseok and Namjoon laugh as Seokjin raises his arms higher. Free and young and alive on the greatest night of Namjoon's life.

~

Later that night after Namjoon gets home, he proudly puts a Wanna One poster on his wall next to photos of his new friends. He dances to his desk, listening to Seventeen’s “Clap” on his phone

He starts writing again.

_Dear Friend, I'm sorry I haven't written for awhile, but I've been trying hard not to be a loser._

_For example, I am trying to participate by listening to Seokjin's collection of music and thinking about love. Seokjin says they are brilliant and I completely agree._

_I am also studying extra books outside of class. As it turns out, Mr. Wang is a writer. He even had a play put up in New York once, which I think is very impressive. He might go back there after this year. I know this is selfish, but I really hope he doesn't._

_My favorite time, though, is lunch because I get to see Seokjin and Hoseok. Jimin is really interesting because  
he is a Buddhist and a punk, but somehow he always acts like my father at the end of a "long day."_

_Taehyung loves music but wants to go to law school. He also steals jeans from the mall. I don't know why because his family is rich, but I'm trying not to be judgemental. Especially since I know how they were all there for Hoseok last year. Hoseok never likes to be serious, so it took me awhile to get what happened._

_When he was a junior, Hoseok started seeing Yoongi on the weekends in secret. I guess it was hard, too, because Yoongi had to get drunk every time they fooled around. Then, Monday in school, Yoongi would say, "Man, I was so wasted. I don't remember a thing." This went on for 7 months._

_When they finally did it, Yoongi said he loved Hoseok. Then, he started to cry, saying his dad would kill him. And saying he was going to hell._

_Hoseok was eventually able to help Yoongi get sober. I asked Hoseok if he felt sad that he had to keep it a secret, and he said no because at least now, Yoongi doesn't have to get drunk to love him._

_I think that I understand because I really like Seokjin. I asked my brother about him, and he said that when Seokjin was a freshman, the upper classmen used to get him drunk at parties. I guess he had a reputation, but I don't care. I'd hate for him to judge me based on what I used to be like. So, I've been making him a mix tape so he will know how I feel._

_I don’t exactly have anything more to say, but I’ve been getting better since I met all my friends. I think they’re the reason I’m getting better. I hope this series of letters to you will also help me._

_Love always, Namjoon._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short chapter. next one will be longer :)


	5. Chapter 5

Tonight, they're in Jungkook's loft apartment, the kitchen, more specifically. The song “To Be One“ by Wanna One is playing in the background. Namjoon sees a black and white picture of a cabin in the forest on the wall of Jungkook's loft. It's very arty, in Namjoon's opinion.

Taehyung looks at the photo. "It's smashing, Jungkook. What did you use?"

Jungkook is impressive to high school kids. He's a little pretentious about his art school life, his red wine, and his loft.

"Color film, but black and white paper for the printing. My professor gave me an "A," but for the wrong reasons. Most of them are idiots. You'll see what I mean when you get to college," He explains. "How were your SAT's by the way?"

"1470. I think I'll get into Columbia," Taehyung responds.

Jungkook nods. "Yeah, I hope so."

"1490. Harvard. Face!" Jimin exclaims, a little bit rudely.

Namjoon sees Seokjin alone on the loft steps. He looks a little down. Namjoon hands him a plastic cup filled with soda and sits next to him.

"Hey, are you okay?" Namjoon asks him, concerned.

"Yeah. But I got my SAT results back," He sighs, "I didn't do too well."

"You can take them again," He reminds him.

“Yeah, it's just if I'm going to Penn State, I have to do better," He says. "I wish I would have studied freshman year. I was a bit of a mess."

"I'll help you study for the next one," Namjoon offers a little too eagerly.

"Will you?"

"Yeah, of course." Namjoon smiles.

Seokjin smiles back at him. "Thanks."

Namjoon summons all the courage he requires and hands him the mix tape Namjoon made for him.

"What's this?" Seokjin asks, examining it.

"Just a mix tape. No big deal." Namjoon shrugs, but it's a really big deal to him. "My parents have a pretty good stereo. It's all about that night in the tunnel. I couldn't find that song we were listening to, but I'm still searching for it."

"It's okay. These are great. You have really good taste."

"Really?"

"Hell yeah. Way better than me as a freshman. I used to listen to the worst top 40."

"You did not!" Namjoon bursts out laughing amusedly.

Seokjin laughs. "Yeah, I did. But then I heard this song. Trespass, by Monsta X. And I thought someday I would be at a party in college or something. And I'd look up and see this person across the room. And from that moment, I'd know everything was going to be okay. You know what I mean?"

Namjoon says, desperately in love, "Yeah."

~

The tape revolves in the stereo, playing a beautiful ballad. Namjoon watches Seokjin sway to his music like a serenade, like he is dancing with him, but he isn't. A wider angle reveals that he is slow dancing with Jungkook. Namjoon is immediately disheartened. No filter. Just feeling. Hoseok, Taehyung and Jimin watch Seokjin across the room.

"So what do you think?" Taehyung asks Hoseok.

"I don't know," He replies truthfully.

"I hope it works out," Taehyung continues, "Jungkook would be a big step up from his last boyfriend."

"No shit," Jimin scoffs, "Who could forget Mr. Car Wash Loser?"

“I just hope he stops playing dumb with these guys, "Hoseok muses, still watching his step-brother. "I keep telling him, don't make yourself small. You can't save anybody."

Jungkook dips a smiling Seokjin as the song ends. He goes into the kitchen as Jungkook approaches Namjoon and turns off his mix tape.

He says, "Man, your mix is morbidly sad, kid. How about something a little more upbeat?"

Jungkook grabs a record from the pile and slaps it down. "Seokjin tells me you wanna be a writer."

"Yeah," He responds curtly.

"Don't you write poetry, Jungkook?" Taehyung acknowledges.

"No, poetry writes me, you know?" Jungkook responds with a pathetic excuse to seem philosophical.

Namjoon sighs. Jungkook's upbeat song begins to play as he dances over to Seokjin. Namjoon's heart breaks as he watches Seokjin's hug on Jungkook.

~

The bell rings. Namjoon sets down his Catcher in the Rye paper down on Jackson’s desk.

"Wow, that was fast. You want another one?" He offers.

Namjoon nods. Jackson smiles and reaches into his desk. He hands him a copy of John Green's "Looking For Alaska". Namjoon takes the book and starts to walk out, but he turns back.

"Mr. Wang…can I ask you something?"

"Yeah," Jackson responds.

Namjoon rethinks his decision before deciding he would and saying, "Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?"

"Are we talking about anyone specific?"

Namjoon nods. Jackson looks straight at him. Not preaching. Coming from a history of personal experience and pain.

Jackson’s answer is, "We accept the love we think we deserve."

"Can we make them know they deserve more?"

"We can try."

Namjoon smiles, satisfied with the answer.


	6. Chapter 6

Namjoon waits nervously at a booth. He sees Seokjin enter. He fixes his hair, then pretends to read his SAT Prep book.

“Hey Joon,” Seokjin greets.

“Hey, Seokjin. I didn't see you come in. You want to work on probabilities and statistics?” Namjoon asks as he takes a seat across him.

Sam nods and they open their books. In a quick passage of time, they study next to Halloween decorations. Then, Thanksgiving. And finally, Christmas decorations.

Charlie's mom and sister hang the Christmas ornaments as Charlie helps his dad find that one ornament he cherished so much.

“Hey dad,” Namjoon starts, “Can I have 30 dollars?”

“20 dollars? What do you want 10 dollars for?” His father responds, taking it as an opportunity to tell an old dad joke.

_Something Seokjin might’ve done as well._

“Seokjin’s doing secret santa. It’s his favourite thing in the world. Please?” Namjoon pleads.

His father reaches into his pocket and hands Namjoon a fifty dollar bill. He winks, in a great mood. “Have fun, Joon. Use a condom.”

“Dad,” Namjoon groans in embarrassment.

The next morning, lockers are opened by Namjoon. Seokjin. Hoseok. Wrapped gifts are deposited, Mischevous smiles are visible, then the lockers come back to a close. Everyone loved their presents, except for Namjoon, who got a pair of socks.

In Literature, just after everyone’s left, Jackson hands Namjoon a well worn copy of Paper Towns. Another book by John Green.

“Namjoon, this was my favourite book growing up. This is my copy, but I want you to have it,” Jackson states, handing the book to Namjoon.

“Thanks,” Namjoon smiles.

“Have a great Christmas break,” Jackson says, just before Namjoon leaves.

“You too, Mr. Wang.”

~

Mr. Callahan, the shop teacher, looks at a girl's clock. He takes a moment, and then says, “Terrible stain,” and writes down a grade.

He then moves on to Namjoon’s dad’s amazing clock. He hands Namjoon an A on a piece of paper, saying, “That’s really good, Namjoon.”

Then, finally, he moves to Hoseok’s shitty wooden clock. No stain, no finish, lop-sided. The ugliest clock you’ll ever see in your entire life.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Mr. Callahan deadpans.

“If you fail me, you get me next semester,” Hoseok threatens with a smirk playing on his lips.

Mr. Callahan reluctantly writes a grade and slaps it down in front of Hoseok.

That night, at the West End Overlook, Hoseok holds up the grade; a C minus. Namjoon and Seokjin cheer as Hoseok screams at the top of his lungs.

“C minus! It’s over! It’s _over_! Ladies and gentlemen, I am below average!” He yells.

“Below average!” Seokjn echoes.

Hoseok screams at the city in the distance for the rest of the night as a celebration.

~

“Hey guys,” Seokjin approaches his group of friends, holding up his SAT score with a grin, “1210.”

Everyone cheers, and Namjoon hugs Seokjin.

We move to see all of them in Hoseok and Seokjin’s house. Namjoon carries Seokjin on his shoulders, past the Christmas tree. Seokjin wears a Santa hat like the cute dork he is.

“No more applications! No more SAT’s! Thank you, Namjoonie!” Seokjin cheers happily.

They pass Jimin as he opens his final present. “Multiple pairs of blue jeans. Wow. This is a really tough one, but I’m going to have to guess…Taehyung.”

Taehyung smiles as Yugyeom nudges him. Guilty as charged. Jimin oulls one last item out of the gift bag.

“Wait, guys…a reciept! He actually paid!” Jimin gasps.

“Impossible!” Hoseok exclaims.

“I’m so touched,” Jimin cooes, holding the gift close to his chest.

Taehyung laughs, and Hoseok pours everyone some brandy. They all look ridiculous, but they don’t feel ridiculous.

“Where’s Jungkook?” Namjoon suddenly asks.

“He went home to Conneticut,” Seokjin informs, “He’ll be back for New Year’s Eve.”

“I’m sorry we won’t be seeing him tonight,” Namjoon says half heartedly.

Seokjin nods, then turns. Namjoon really is delighted. No Jungkook. The kids settle in the living room in front of the fire.

“Alright, little brother by three months,” Seokjin starts, “Who’s your secret santa?”

“I’ll tell you, Sam. This one's tough,” He responds, voice laced with sarcasm, “I have received a harmonica, a magnetic poetry set, a book about Harvey Milk, and a mix with the song “Always” on it...twice.”

Namjoon starts snickering. He cant help himself.

“I mean, I have no idea. This collection of presents is so gay I think I must’ve given them to myself,” Hoseok grins, leaning back on the couch. “But despite that distinct possibility, I’m going to have to go with…drum roll…Namjoon.”

Namjoon holds up his hands. They all cheer for him as Seokjin says, “Alright, Joonie, it’s your turn.”

Hoseok and Namjoon switch places. Namjoon stands. “Okay. Uh, I received socks, pants, a shirt, and a belt. I was ordered to wear them all tonight. So I’m guessing my secret santa is Jimin.”

“Huh, now why do you say that?” Hoseok questions.

“I don’t know. He bosses people around sometimes,” Namjoon says, a little too straightforwardly.

They all crack up, expect for Jimin, who got slightly pissed.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” He snaps.

“Sorry,” Namjoon says, faintly smiling.

“Well, you’ll be surprised to know that your secret santa is actually…me,” Hoseok reveals.

“You got me clothes?” Namjoon asks, “Why?”

“Because all the great writers used to wear great suits. Your last present is on a towel rack in the bathroom. Delve into our facilities. Emerge a star,” Hoseok says dramatically.

Before Namjoon leaves, he hands Seokjin a sack of presents. “Can you hand these out while I’m gone?”

“Wait a second. There’s only secret santa presents. There are rules, Namjoon,” Jimin states.

Hoseok groans, “Park Jimin, why are you trying to eat Christmas? Hand them out, Seokjin.”

Seokjin gives out the presents. The group rips them open. Taehyung looks at a book about Martin Scorsese with the inscription: “Tae, I know you’ll get into NYU.”

Taehyung turns to Jimin who holds up a card with 40 dollars, “To print your fanzine in colour next time.”

Yugyeom blows soap bubbles into the air. Stoned. Mesmerized, he says “He knows me. He really knows me.”

Seokjin looks at his present. A vinyl record of Monsta X’s “The Code” with a card. He reads the card, and holds it to his chest, moved.

“Come on out, Joon.” Seokjin calls out.

They all chime out, “Let’s go, young man!”. Namjoon opens the door, and his entrance play off their faces. He was dressed in the suit like the best of English mods in the 60’s. They all clap, and it feels magical.

“Yeah! What a display of man I have ever seen!” Hoseok exclaims.

Namjoon and Seokjin look at each other and smile.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kinda short again. oops.

It starts in a dark room with Namjoon and Seokjin in it. Namjoon asks, “Where are we?”

“It’s a surprise,” Seokjin responds, grinning, but Namjoon cant see that.

Seokjin flips the switch on, bathing the room in light. Seokjin’s room is the coolest thing Namjoon’s ever seen. A shrine to the Mario video game franchise, and to music. There are figurines and all sorts of other stuff in one corner, and the walls were littered with posters of bands that Seokjin was into.

“Is this your room? It’s so cool,” Namjoon compliments in awe.

“Thanks,” Seokjin responds, voice almost a whisper.

He then points to a green box with a red ribbon on his desk, to which Namjoon questions, “You got me a gift?”

“With all that help on my Penn State application? How could I not have? Open it,” Seokjin says.

Namjoon lifts up the box to reveal an old manual typewriter as he sighs in wonder, “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.”

Seokjin goes over to the typewriter and types the words: “Write about us sometime.” He smiles and types back: “I will.” They look at each other as a lovely ballad plays downstairs.

“I’m sorry we can’t be here for your birthday,” Seokjin apologizes.

“That’s okay.” Namjoon shrugs. “I’m just sorry you have to go back and visit your dad.”

“I’m in such a great mood, I don’t think even he could ruin it. I feel like I’m finally doing good,” Seokjin smiles contently.

“You are,” Namjoon replies, even though maybe he wasn’t supposed to.

“Me?” Seokjin asks incredulously, “What about you? When I met you, you were this scared freshman. And look at you in that suit. You’re like a hot assed English school boy. I saw Jimin checking you out.”

Namjoon lets out an innocent laugh. “No.”

“Innocent. Worst kind of guys,” Seokjin states, “Never see you coming. And parents love you. That’s like…extra danger.”

“Well, it hasn’t worked so far,” Namjoon admits.

“Come on. You’ve never had a girlfriend? Or boyfriend, if that’s what you prefer. Not even a 2nd grade valentine?”

Namjoon shakes his head to all of them except for the boyfriend part.

“Have you ever kissed somebody?” Seokjin asks.

“No. What about you?” Namjoon asks back.

Seokjin gets this strange look in his eyes. A little haunted by something, but nevertheless, he tells Namjoon.

“My first kiss? I was 11. His name was Sehun. He would come over to the house all the time,” Seokjin tells him.

“Was he your first boyfriend?” Namjoon digs further.

“He was my dads boss.”

Namjoon grows silent at this, but Seokjin continues speaking, “You know Joon, I used to sleep with guys who treated me like shit. And get wasted all the time. But now...I feel like I have a chance. I could even get into a real college.”

Namjoon shakes off the surprise from before. “It’s true. You can do it.”

Seokjin looks at him with this look at tells him he wants to say something, but cant find the right words, so Namjoon avoids the silence by speaking again. “My aunt…she had that same thing done to her too. And the turned her life around.”

“She must have been great,” Seokjin remarks.

“She was my favourite person in the world…until now.”

Seokjin smiles, touched. “Namjoon, I know that you know I like Jungkook, but I want to forget about that for a minute, okay? I just want to make sure the first person who kisses you loves you, okay?”

Namjoon nods, and with that, Seokjin leans over and kisses him. It starts softly, then Seokjin wraps his thin arms around him. When the song downstairs comes to and end, they part. The two looks at each other, then Seokjin says, “I love you, Namjoon.”

“I love you too.”


	8. Chapter 8

The porch lights are as golden as Namjoon feels right now. Taehyung and Jimin wave to each other and hug Seokjin goodbye. They all leave with a “Merry Christmas!”, or “Good luck at your dad’s!”, or “See you at New Year’s!”.

Hoseok approaches Namjoon in the doorway with his clock for shop class in his hands. “Joon. Since it’s Christmas, and the individual gifts you gave us all touched my heart, I thought you should have my clock. From the heart, which you touched.”

Namjoon laughs, taking the clock from Hoseok. “Thank you, Hobi.”

Seokjin gives Namjoon one last hug. The two step siblings watch all their friends leave as Hoseok yells out an “I love you guys!”

~

Christmas Eve, Namjoon’s front door opens, revealing his dad saying, “Hey! Look who’s here!”

He moves out of the way, and standing behind him is Namjoon’s older brother, Jinyoung. Handsome, charismatic, and an all around winner.

“C’mere Baekhyun,” He grins, engulfing said boy into a hug.

When they part, Jinyoung sees Namjoon and smiles. “Namjoon. You’ve grown.”

They look at each other in silence. Then, they hug. As the family moves into the dining room to celebrate Christmas Eve, Jinyoung whispers a soft “I’m glad to see you doing okay” in Namjoon’s ear.

Somehow, amongst it all, Namjoon finds himself outside his house on the streets. The sidewalks were decorated with glowing luminarias.

The same street, years ago, when Aunt Cass was still alive. She finishes the luminaria bags with Namjoon and his brothers. They’re glowing in the dark, Christmas Eve night.

“Can you see it, Namjoon? The luminaria is a landing strip for Santa Claus. Keep an eye out for him with your brothers. I’ll be right back.”

Back then, maybe, Namjoon didn’t really understand what happened to Aunt Cass when she left. But then again, he also didn’t understand what she did to him, or why.

Back in the present, Namjoon hovers over the glowing lanterns. Something is clearly bothering him, but he shakes it off. He enters his house again as he starts to feel cold outside.

Namjoon wanders through the quiet house. He turns the corner where he finds Jinyoung sitting at the table. He’s illuminated by a couple of candles and the blinking lights of the Christmas Tree. He’s surrounded by leftovers from dinner. Namjoon sits with him.

“Hey,” Namjoon says.

“Hey,” Jinyoung responded, “God, I missed mom’s cooking. You have no idea how good you have it. I’m actually beginning to hate pizza.”

Namjoon smiles, grabbing a cookie from the plate. “How are you liking school?”

“Not bad,” Jinyoung says honestly, “I’m no brainiac like you or Baekhyun, but I’m doing okay.”

“Okay?” Namjoon repeats incredulously, “You’re playing in a _Bowl Game_.”

Jinyoung laughs at that, and it makes Namjoon smile. A moment passes, and Jinyoung changes his tone from carefree to cautious.

“How are you feeling, Joonie?”

“Good,” Namjoon responds, partially because he doesn’t want Jinyoung to worry, but also because he really does feel okay.

“You know what I mean,” Jinyoung sighs, “Is it bad tonight?”

“No.”

“No?”

“I’m not picturing things anymore,” Namjoon elaborates, “And when I do, I can just shut it off.”

“Mom tells me you have plenty of friends now,” He says, “Maybe if it does get bad again, you can just talk to them, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Namjoon smiles at the mention of his friends, “Especially Seokjin. I’m going to ask him out at New Years. I think the time is right now.”

_Jungkook. Dammit Namjoon. What happened to Jungkook?_

Jinyoung, clueless about Seokjin’s relationship status, smiles at his younger brother.

~

Namjoon’s fingertips held a tab of LSD in between them. He places the tab in his mouth, and closes it. He looks down the hall to where Jungkook has his arm around Seokjin. Namjoon turns to Jimin, who’s also dosed.

“How long does this take to work?” Namjoon asked.

About 45 minutes passed. Everything is muted thick and are slight echoes since Namjoon is now in Yugyeom’s driveway with a shovel in his hand. He starts shoveling, and the impact of the metal with the snow makes a crunching sound. Namjoon is then distracted by his breath making fog, which fascinates him for some reason. Seokjin comes outside, worried about him.

“Shoveling snow, huh?” He inquired with a raised eyebrow.

“I have to get this driveway clean,” He slurs, “Then, I have to congratulate you for being happy because you deserve it.”

“You said that an hour ago.”

“Was that tonight?” Namjoon questioned confusedly, “God I was looking at this tree, but it was a dragon, and then-“

“Okay, Joonie, don’t freak out. Just give me the shovel. Calm down. Look up.” Seokjin instructs.

He points to the sky, and Namjoon looks up to see the stars.

“Isn’t it quiet?” Seokjin whispers.

“Seokjin, you ever think that if people know how crazy you really were, no one would ever talk to you?”

“All the time. So you wanna put on these glasses? They’ll protect you.”

Seokjin outs his arm around Namjoon’s shoulder, as if to protect him. Namjoon looks through the glasses, and the sky bends like a globe. When he breathes, the sky ripples.

So they return to the party. Namjoon wanders around, tripping out of his mind. He sits down on the couch, and the world unbends as Namjoon takes off the glasses. Kids walk around the party, leaving ghosts of themselves behind.

Namjoon looks upstairs to find Seokjin and Jungkook kissing. Jungkook leads him to the bedroom, and Namjoon walks away. He looks back at the party as the kids gather for the countdown, which is led by Hoseok.

Namjoon gets a quick flashback of Aunt Cass whispering the words “It’ll be out little secret, alright?” in his ear before she went to go get his Christmas gift. However, Namjoon shakes himself out of it and tries to remember that he’s at a New Year’s party.

“Happy New Year!”

The crowd cheers, leaving ghosts of themselves once again as they dissipate. Namjoon gets up from the couch and walks out of Yugyeom’s house.

He walks down the road under a streetlight. The road is icy. Namjoon lays down and starts moving his arms in the snow. Several memories begin to haunt him.

7 year old Namjoon waves goodbye to Aunt Cass as she drives away through the landing strip for Santa Claus.

Namjoon blinks, and the memories come faster.

Aunt Cass drives past a tall snow drift. She looks down at the vinyl record in the seat next to her. She smiles at Namjoon’s Christmas gift. Then, she looks up as the headlights of the semi truck smash her windows with a loud crashing noise.

That same night, Namjoon’s mother opens the door to reveal a policeman behind the door. He turns to Namjoon, who was 7 and confused.

Namjoon lays on the snow, shivering. He doesn’t realize it, but he’s made a snow angel, and just like that, he passes out on the snow.

~

The ER is bustling on New Year’s day. Namjoon looks up as the police, doctors, and his parents tower over him. He is terrified and does what any kid would do; lies his ass off.

“Did your older friends pressure you?” The policeman interrogated.

“No one pressured me into anything,” Namjoon defended, “I would never do drugs, officer. Never.”

“Then how did you happen to be passed out on the ground at 6 in the morning?”

“Well, um…I was really tired, and uh…I was feeling feverish. So I went outside for a walk, just to get some cold air, and I started seeing things. So I passed out.”

Namjoon waits to see if this worked, but then his mother asks him worriedly. “You’re seeing things again, Joon?”

“Not, uh…not really?”

The lying is over when Namjoon sits as Jackson hands out books for the semester; The Great Gatsby. As the kids chatter, Jackson gives Namjoon his own book to start the year.

“Did you have fun on your break?” Namjoon asks.

“More fun than you’re going to have today, Sinatra.” Jackson pats his shoulder and moves on.

~

“Namjoon…have you ever heard of the Sadie Hawkins dance?” Jimin suddenly asks.

Namjoon doesn’t know how he ended up in a parking lot with Jimin, moving boxes into his car, but here he is.

“The one where the girl asks the guy?” Namjoon cocks his head to the side.

“Yeah. Well, obviously, it’s completely stupid and sexist,” Jimin rolls his eyes, “It’s like, “Hey, thanks for the crumb.” And normally, I’d just blow it off because school dances suck torture, but, you know, it’s my last year, and…would you maybe want to go with me?”

“You…want to go….with me?”

The only thing in Namjoon’s mind right now is “?? **?¿? _??¿¿? ¿??¿¿?¿_**”

“I’m sick of other guys, and you looked really cute in that suit Hoseok bought you. So what do you say?” He asks once again.

Namjoon doesn’t realize it, but the decision he made that night may as well just have been the worst one he’s ever made.


	9. Chapter 9

Namjoon and Jimin slow dance to an 80’s love song. It’s not Wanna One or Monsta X, but Namjoon is trying his best to enjoy it. However, his sweaty palms on Jimin’s hips tell him that this night was the most awkward night he’s ever experienced. Even worse than a horror movie, to him.

Namjoon looks around the gym. He sees Taehyung dancing with his date, some guy named Choi Minho. Namjoon’s never properly met him, but he seemed to be a funny guy.

Namjoon then watches Hoseok dance with Seokjin. He follows Hoseok’s gaze across the floor to Yoongi, who dances with a senior girl. Namjoon sees them look at each other, and for one moment, it’s like they’re dancing with each other.

Later, Jimin and their group of friends hung around by the punchbowl. Namjoon sees Seokjin standing by the wall, looking sad, and decides to approach him.

“You having a good time?” He asks.

“Not really,” Seokjin says truthfully, “How about you?”

“I don’t know,” Namjoon admits, “This is my first date, so I don’t know what to compare it to.”

“Don’t worry. You’re doing fine,” Seokjin reassures.

Namjoon joins her at the wall as Jimin shoots them a quick, jealous look.

“I’m sorry Jungkook couldn’t come,” Namjoon apologizes.

“Yeah. He said he didn’t want to go to some stupid highschool dance,” Seokjin sighs, “Can’t say I blame him.”

“If you like it, he should come,” Namjoon suggested.

“Thanks Joon,” Seokjin smiles, a sincere one. “Have a beautiful first date. You deserve it.”

“I’ll try not to make you too jealous,” Namjoon says to cheer him up. However, Seokjin forces a smile, and leaves.

~

Jimin approaches Namjoon on the antique sofa. He uncorks a bottle of wine and hands it to him. He walks over to the vintage turntable in his living room to turn in the gas fireplace with a remote control.

“This sure is a nice house,” Namjoon says awkwardly, void of anything to say.

“Thanks,” Jimin responds, dropping the needle on a vinyl LP. A make-out classic begins to play as he sits next to Namjoon on the couch.

“I made you a mix of a bunch of old music. I’d love to expose you to great things. Like Billie Holiday and foreign films,” Jimin sighed.

_Oh fuck no. Not old music. Holy shit. Kill him now._

As Jimin pours the wine, Namjoon keeps his eyes on the bottle. “This merlot is really fancy.”

“Yeah. My dad collects wine, but he doesn’t drink. That’s weird, isn’t it?”

“I guess?” Namjoon says, making it sound more like a question, “Where are your parents?”

“Their club is hosting a cotillion or something racist. They’ll be gone all night.“ Jimin informs, tone a little bit too suggestive.

He drops his tie with a thud. Namjoon looks around nervously, heart beating.

Jimin reaches out and touches his clothed chest. “Your heart is beating really fast.”

“Is it?”

“Here, feel.”

Jimin puts his hand on Namjoon’s and moves it to his chest.

“Namjoon?” Jimin suddenly asks.

“Uhuh?”

“Do you like me?”

“Uhuh.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I think so.”

“Don’t be nervous,” he whispers.

Jimin slowly moved Namjoon’s hand towards his lower torso. It gets to 2nd base with Namjoon softly palming Jimin through the fabric of his pants, but then for a quick moment, Namjoon imagines he is kissing Seokjin. The kiss is broken when Jimin moves Namjoon’s hand away and Namjoon blinks, taking a moment to realize that it isn’t Seokjin in the room, but Jimin. The needle turns at the end of the record.

“Joonie,” Jimin says, giving him one last kiss, then lays down on his lap. “I didn’t know how tonight was going to go, but it was really nice, huh?”

“Yeah,” Namjoon lies.

“I cant believe it. You of all people. I just cant believe you’re my boyfriend.”

_What._

~

So after an awkward night at Jimin’s house, he drives Namjoon home. When he car pulls up in front of Namjoon’s house, he gets out, wanting to say that he was not Jimin’s boyfriend. It is too late though, as he doesn’t know how, and Jimin smiles at him, smitten.

“See you Monday,” He says, and with that, he backs out of the driveway. As he drives away, Namjoon’s stomach was already filling with acid.

_Dear Friend,  
I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while, but things are a total disaster. I probably should have been honest about how I didn’t want go to out with Jimin after Sadie’s, but I really didn’t want to hurt his feelings._

_You see, Jimin is a really nice person underneath the part of him that hates everyone. And since I heard that having a romantic partner makes you happy, I tried hard to love him like I love Seokjin._

_So, I took him on double dates, and tried not to mind that he loves to hold hands even when his hands are sweaty. And I had to admit something really upsetting. But I am tired of touching him without actually making direct contact. I thought maybe if he’d let me pick the make-out music once in a while, we might have a chance. And maybe, if he didn’t put down the books that Mr. Wang gave me, or if he would stop calling me the minute I get home from school when I have absolutely nothing to talk about other than the bus ride home. I know I should have been honest, but I was getting so mad, it was starting to scare me._

_I just wish I could’ve found another way to break up. In hindsight, I probably could not have picked a worse way to be honest with Jimin._


	10. Chapter 10

Truth or dare. Namjoon’s new nightmare.

The group is seated in a circle on the floor of Jungkook’s loft apartment, drinking from plastic cups. Namjoon sits between Seokjin and Jimin.

“Hoseok,” Yugyeom calls, “Truth or dare?”

“Do you even know who you’re talking to?” Hoseok rolls his eyes, “Dare.”

“I dare you to kiss Taehyung,” Yugyeom decides.

Hoseok licks his lips. “Get ready, Tae.”

As Hoseok approaches an apprehensive Taehyung, Jungkook speaks, “Jimin, Luhan told me you got into Harvard. Congratulations.”

“Thank you,” Jimin responds, then turns to Namjoon, “This one still hasn’t gotten me flowers, but I forgive you.”

Jimin then kisses Namjoon as Namjoon bites his cheeks. Seokjin looks a little depressed.

“Don’t worry about Penn State,” Jungkook tells him, “You’re just wait-listed.”

“Excuse me, everyone, but you’re missing some hot “fag on geek” action,” Hoseok interrrupts.

Anticipation. Hoseok is getting ready to plant the biggest kiss on Taehyung when he jumps on Hoseok. Some of them groans an “Ew!” as others laugh out. Hoseok looks for the next person as Namjoon’s heart pounds.

_Don’t pick me! Please!_

“Okay. My turn. Um…let’s think. Namjoon.” Hoseok smirks, “Truth or dare?”

Silence. Namjoon thinks, then finally says, “Truth.”

“How’s your first relationship going?”

“It’s so bad that I keep fantasizing that one of us is dying of cancer, so I don’t have to break up with him.”

“Namjoon? Truth or dare?”

Namjoon blinks. It was all fantasy. He’d imagined it all in his head.

“Dare,” Namjoon says, to avoid his previous vision.

“I dare you to kiss the hottest guy in the room. Notice I charitably said guy, and not hardcore homosexual because let’s face it, I’d smoke all you bitches,” Hoseok says humorously.

Laughter ensues as Taehyung hits Hoseok. Namjoon thinks. He looks at Jimin, but then he turns to Seokjin. Before Seokjin could even react, Namjoon plants a kiss right on his lips. When Namjoon opens his eyes, he looks around and realizes the magnitude of his mistake. Everyone stares.

After a horrible silence, Hoseok chokes out, “Well that’s fucked up.”

Without a word, Jimin stands up, dignified, and goes into the kitchen.

“Wait, Jimin, I’m sorry. I’m—“

Taehyung follows Jimin to console him. Seokjin is close behind

“Seokjin?! Seokjin! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it! I’m sorry,” Namjoon pleads, voice almost breaking.

Seokjin turns and looks at him. He doesn’t even feel like he recognizes Namjoon.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” He hisses, before turning around and walking away.

Namjoon is devastated, and right now, that’s all he knows.

~

Namjoon stands in the lobby of Jungkook’s apartment. He feels awful, and panicky, which is not a good combination for him.

Namjoon contemplates going back, but Hoseok stops him. “Trust me. You don’t want to go back in there.”

“But, I…I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to do anything.”

“I know you didn’t,” Hoseok reassures, “But look…I hate to be the one to break this, but there’s history with Jimin and Seokjin. Other guys, and girls. Things that have nothing to do with you. But…it’s best if you stay away for a while.”

Namjoon is crushed, but he says, “Oh. Okay. How long do you think?”

Namjoon looks at Hoseok, who wears a grave expression. Just that, and it tells Namjoon that it’s going to be a very long time.

~

_Dear Friend, I have not seen my friends for 2 weeks now. I am starting to get bad again._

After typing that onto the paper inserted for the typewriter, a memory comes back to Namjoon. In the midst of it all, his mom calls him downstairs as they leave for some easter event they have to attend. During the length of it, Namjoon’s memories kept coming back, over, and over again. Aunt Cass sobbing as she smokes a cigarette, the priest reciting the Lord’s prayer as he looked at his aunt’s picture on the coffin, him holding her hand back when she was smoking to make her stop crying—

Then he’s in his bedroom, on the phone, with Jimin. “Jimin. I…uh, I’ve been listening to the Billie Holiday CD every night and-“

“It’s too late, Namjoon,” Jimin cuts off.

Namjoon decides to try and tell them about his issues like Jinyoung suggested, “I know. I just feel really bad about what I did. I just get so messed up inside like I’m- not there or something.”

“Tell it to some one who cares,” Jimin responds shortly.

“I know. I’m sorry. I just. We’ve all become such good friends-“

Jimin cuts him off once again. “Good friends? You mean the people I’ve known since kindergarten? That you’ve known for 6 months? Those good friends?”

“Oh. Yeah. I mean I don’t want to do anything to ruin our-“

“It’s ruined, okay? So stop calling everyone. Stop embarrassing yourself.”

“Okay. I will. Goodbye, Ji-“

The dial tone comes through. Namjoon hangs up the phone, not knowing what to think.

One night, at Yugyeom’s basement as Yugyeom grooms some pot, Namjoon says nonchalantly, “Something’s wrong with me.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Yugyeom simply says, “Hey, you hear from Hoseok?”

“No, he told me to stay away,” Namjoon frowns.

“Oh…you don’t know?”

Namjoon grows concerned at this, “What? Why? What happened?”

“Yoongi’s father caught them together.”

~

As kids open lockers and move to morning period, Namjoon stares at Yoongi. He has a black eye and cuts on his face which stand out in contrast to his paler skin. He looks like he was beaten up badly. Some students whisper about what happened to him, saying things like, “Some kids jumped him outside.” or “It was some kids from North Hills.” and “That’s not what I heard.”

Yoongi moves into the arms of some girl, a cheerleader. As Yoongi kisses her, Namjoon sees Hoseok down the hall, watching them. Then, Hoseok closes his locker and walks towards Namjoon’s direction, hurting.

“Are you okay?” Namjoon asks when Hoseok passes.

“Not right now, Joon. I’m sorry.” Hoseok storms off.

_Joon. He hasn’t heard that nickname come out of anyone but his parents in such a long time…_

At lunch, Namjoon sits at a table alone. He watches Hoseok leave the lunch line, passing a chorus of senior girls saying, “Hey, Nothing.”

Hoseok says nothing. He’s too sad to fight the mob today. He just moves go his table when some guy on the football team sticks out his leg and trips Hoseok, making him fall to the floor. The kids laugh.

“Oops. Sorry, Nothing.” He jeers.

Hoseok gets up off the ground and smiles to himself as he dusts himself off. He turns to Yoongi. “You going to do something?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Your pet ape just tripped me. Are you going to say something?” Hoseok spits.

Yoongi huffs out a laugh, “Why would I?”

“You know why.”

It’s too far, as Yoongi can feel people staring, and he cant afford to let his secret get out. “This is pathetic man. Your fixation on me.”

Yoongi’s friends laugh, but Hoseok’s eyes narrow. “Do you want your friends to know how you got those bruises? Really?”

“I got jumped in a parking lot,” Yoongi says in defense.

“Where? In Schenley Park? Do they know about Schenley Park?” Hoseok then turns to Yoongi’s friends, “Do you guys know about Schenley Park?”

Yoongi stands up and gets right in Hoseok’s face. “I don’t know what kind of sick shit you’re trying to pull, but you better walk away now…Nothing.”

“Fine,” Hoseok says, “Say hi to your dad for me.”

Hoseok turns and leaves. Yoongi watches him go, and he doesn’t want him to leave, but Yoongi makes him come back in the worst way possible.”

“Whatever, faggot.”

Yoongi’s friends laugh as Hoseok stops and turns. This is Yoongi’s last chance from Hoseok.

“What did you call me?”

“I called you a faggo—“

Before Yoongi can even finish, Hoseok throws his right hand viciously at Yoongi’s cheek. After Yoongi processes this, the two start fighting, and the cafeteria erupts in noise. As Yoongi’s friends get Hoseok off Yoongi, Jimin and Seokin jump up from their corner table to discover that Hoseok was in a fight.

The cafeteria gets louder. The guy who tripped Hoseok previously holds Hoseok up, and the cafeteria erupts in more noise. The linebacker of the team hits Hoseok in the face.

Seokjin rushes up to protect his brother, but someone pushes her down. She lands on the floor as Hoseok gets his a couple more times in the face. The kids cheer the fight as the cafeteria gets louder and louder with more noise, but then suddenly there’s silence.

Namjoon comes out from a blink. He calmly looks around. For a moment, he doesn’t understand where he is. He looks up, and all the kids are staring at him . Jimin. Taehyung. Yoongi. Even Seokjin. THey are all quiet. Afraid of him. Namjoon looks at his hand, clenched in a fist and covered in blood. At first, he doesn’t realize what happened until he sees the Linebacker holding his broken, bloody nose. He’s looking at Namjoon with a terrified expression. The Nose Tackle is on the ground. Namjoon stands over them, disconnected. It was an out of body experience. He reaches out and helps Hoseok to his feet, then calmly turns and stares right through Yoongi.

“If you touch my friend again,” Namjoon starts, tone icy cold, “I’ll blind you.”

Yoongi is stunned, and so is everyone…except Seokjin.

~

Namjoon sits in the waiting room of the principal’s office. He looks through the glass where the principal talks to Yoongi. After a beat, he pats Yoongi’s shoulder and opens the door, leaving Namjoon and Yoongi alone in the waiting room.

Just as Yoongi was about to leave, he says, “Namjoon?”

“Yeah?” Namjoon asks.

“Thanks for stopping them.”

Yoongi walks away without another word, too much of a coward to face the boy who did what he couldn’t. Namjoon is called into the office, and he gulps down the lump in his throat.

After that session, Namjoon exits the school building. Kids stare at him, then look away. Namjoon feels very lost until he spots Seokjin. He smiles, and it brings Namjoon back instantly. He hasn’t seen that smile in such a long time…

“How are you doing, Joonie?” Seokjin asks gently.

“I don’t know,” Namjoon responds, “I keep trying, but I cant really remember what I did.”

At this point, Namjoon is afraid of himself. Seokjin can see this, so he nods, sympathetic.

“Do you want me to tell you?”

Namjoon, although scared, says, “Yeah.”

“You saved my brother. That’s what you did.”

“So, you’re not scared of me?”

“No.”

“And can we be friends again?”

“Of course.”

The minute Seokjin hugs him, the numb goes away. He kisses the top of Namjoon’s head and puts his arm around Namjoon’s shoulder. They begin walking away as Seokjin says:

“C’mon. Let’s go be psychos together.”


	11. Chapter 11

“I’m dating Jaebum now.”

That’s what Jimin told Namjoon when they were at Hoseok and Seokjin’s house. He motions to Jaebum. College vibe. Glasses. Good looking, that’s for sure.

“He’s in college with Jungkook,” Jimin elaborates, “He’s opinionated, and we have intellectual debates. You were very sweet, but our relationship was too one-sided. I know this is hard for you.”

“I’m just glad you’re happy,” Namjoon replies.

“Okay,” Jimin says, then walks away to join Jaebum. Namjoon looks at his friends, then to Hoseok who comes downstairs. He looks sad with his bruises.

“Hey Kook. Seokjin will be down soon,” Hoseok tells him.

“We’re going to miss the movie,” Jimin whines.

“Yeah, I’ll go talk to him.” Jungkook says, moving upstairs.

Hoseok approaches Namjoon, saying, “Hey, you wanna get out of here?”

“Sure, Hobi,” Namjoon smiles.

So at the West End Overlook, a place that Namjoon used to frequently visit with Hoseok and Seokjin, seemed much less inviting without Seokjin. Hoseok drives Seokjin’s truck up the hill to the overlook.

“I’ll tell you something, Namjoon. I feel good. You know what I mean? Maybe tomorrow, I’ll take you to this karaoke place downtown. And his club off the strip. They don’t card. And the Schenley Park scene. You gotta see the ‘fruit loop’ at least one time,” Hoseok says excitedly.

Namjoon and Hoseok walk the lighted path, howling at the moon. Hoseok holds a thermos, filled with God knows what. Namjoon cant help but feel something still missing.

“Oh my God. My life is officially an after school special! Son of a bitch!” Hoseok yells into the night.

Namjoon laughs, “It kind of is. It so is.”

More laughter. They arrive at the lookout, then they drink.

“So, you ever hear the one about Lily Miller?” Hoseok asks.

“I don’t know.”

“Really? I thought your brother would have told you. It’s a classic.”

“Maybe,” Namjoon thinks.

“So Lily comes here with this guy Parker,“ Hoseok begins, “And this was going to be the night they were going to lose their virginity. So, she did it really proper. She packed a picnic. Stole a bottle of wine. Everything was perfect, and they're just about to 'do it' when they realize they forgot the condoms. So, what do you think happened?”

“I don’t know.” Namjoon shrugs.

“They did it with one of the sandwich bags.”

They both start laughing as Namjoon yells out in disgust. Hoseok urges Namjoon to tell him about an suburban legend.

“Uh, well, there was this girl named Second Base Stace. She had boobs in 4th grade—“

“Mosquito bites. Promising. Go.”

“And she let some of the boys feel them,” Namjoon concludes.

“That’s your suburban legend?” Hoseok’s jaw drops, “Did you at least cop a feel?”

“Nope.”

“Of course not,” Hoseok rolled his eyes playfully, “You went home, listened to “Always”, wrote a poem about her self-esteem—“

“Fine!” Namjoon exclaims, laughing, “Your turn.”

Hoseok thinks for a while before saying, “Yeah, I've got one. Well, there was this one guy. Queer as a 3 dollar bill. Guy's father didn't know about his son. So, he comes down into the basement one night when he's supposed to be out of town. Catches his son with another boy. So, he starts beating him. But not like the slap kind. Like the real kind. And the boyfriend says, "Stop. You're killing him." And the son just yells "Get out." And eventually the boyfriend just did.”

Hoseok stops, gripped by sadness. He can’t shake.

“Why cant you save anybody?” Hoseok asks into the wind.

“I don’t know,” Namjoon responds, and maybe it wasn’t a very good one.

“Forget it. I'm free now, right? I could meet the love of my life any second now. Things will be different now, and that's good. I just need to meet a good guy,” Hoseok forces a smile.

Hoseok looks at Namjoon. Namjoon had never seen him so vulnerable before. After a beat, Hoseok kisses Namjoon on the lips. Unsure of what to do, Namjoon lets it happen, his eyes open the whole time. A moment, then Hoseok looks at Namjoon.

He collapses into his chest, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Namjoon responds, comforting him.

Namjoon holds his friend as he starts to cry. The truck drives back home that night on the city highway, gliding down the empty road.

~

_Dear friend,  
I’ve been spending a lot of time with Hoseok. He begins every night really excited, and he always says he feels free and that tonight is his destiny. But after a while, he runs out of things to keep himself numb._

_Then, Seokjin got his letter from Penn State. After that, it was all Hoseok could talk about. Taehyung did get into NYU film school. Hoseok is going to the University of Washington because he wants to be near the music in Seattle, but he wasn’t going to leave without organizing the best senior prank ever._

_Seokjin is going to leave right after graduation. It all feels very exciting. I just wish it were happening to me. Especially because ever since I blacked out in the cafeteria, it’s been getting worse. And I can’t turn it off this time._

~

The kids pass their copies of The Great Gatsby up to the front where Jackson collects them for next year’s freshmen. The class is buzzing loud.

“Guys, you want to pass your copies of Gatsby up the the front please? And I know it’s the last day, but if we could just keep it to a dull roar, I’d appreciate it,” Jackson calls out over all the noise.

As the class quiets down, Jackson continues, “Thank you for such a great year. I had a blast. I hope you did too. And I hope you have a great time this summer on your vacations. Now, who here is going to read for pleasure this summer?”

Namjoon looks to see if anyone is watching, but then decides to raise his hand anyway. Jackson is proud at the change of attitude Namjoon had from the beginning of the year, to now.

When the last kids exit the classroom, Namjoon walks down the aisle and stands in front of Jackson.

“Last day,” Jackson acknowledges.

“Yeah. So, uh, I know it’s none of my business, but have you decided….are you going to New York?” Namjoon asks with a tint of hope in his voice.

“Well,” Jackson starts, “I like it here, and I think I might be better at teaching than writing.”

Namjoon is relieved that Jackson is staying.

“So, uh, Namjoon, I was thinking maybe I could still give you books next year,” Jackson suggested.

“Yeah, totally,” Namjoon agrees.

“I think you could write one of them one day.”

“Really?”

“I do.” Jackson nods.

Namjoon is quiet, then, “You’re the best teacher I’ve ever had.”

Jackson smiles. “Thank you.”

Namjoon gives Jackson a shy, sideways hug. The two guys say nothing else. Namjoon waves and leaves as Jackson smiles to himself.

~

Times Square has nothing on these seniors. Namjoon watches the gang on their last day of high school. When the clock hits 10 seconds to 3pm, all the students chant.

“10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2…”

“Oh my God, get me the hell out of here!”

“1!”

They all cheer and hug each other. Hoseok loses his mind with joy and charges down the hallway screaming.

Well after 3pm, when the sun was about to set, Namjoon and his group of friends remain in campus. There is a brilliant sunset over the bleachers as they run after the sun.

_Dear Friends,  
I wanted to tell you about us running. There was this beautiful sunset. And just a few hours before, everyone I love had their last day of high school ever. And I was happy because they were happy, even though I counted, and I have 1,095 days to go._

_I kept thinking about what school would be like without them as they’re all leaving for college. My brother decided to break up with Chanyeol and go stag with his best friends instead._

_And then there was Seokjin…_

_I’ve looked at his pictures since that night. I like to see how happy he was before he knew. They were in a hotel suite after prom when the truth came out. Basically, Jungkook has been cheating on Seokjin the whole time. When I heard about it, I kept thinking about the happy guy in these pictures, because he doesn’t have 1,095 days to go. He made it. This is his time. And no one should be able to take that away from him._

_At his going away party, I wanted him to know about that night we went through the tunnel. And how for the first time, I felt like I belonged somewhere. And tomorrow, he’s leaving. So I wanted to give him a part of me. I gave him all my books._

~

The pictures are down. The dressers empty. The suitcase is open on the bed. Namjoon watches Seokjin fold clothes and put them in his suitcase. He promised himself he wouldn’t cry, even when Seokjin packs away his Monsta X CD’s

Instead, he looks at Seokjin and tries to remember every detail. His soft brown hair and warm brown eyes and the sound of his voice.

“Thanks for staying up with me,” Seokjin smiles.

“Sure,” Namjoon responds, “My brother said Penn State has a restaurant called Ye Olde College Diner. You have to get a grilled stickie on your first night. It’s a tradition.”

“That sounds like fun,” Seokjin comments, trying his best to not look upset.

“Yeah,” Namjoon agrees. “Pretty soon, you’ll have a whole new group of friends, and you wont even think of this place anymore.”

“Yes, I will,” Seokjin objects, moving some suitcases over to the pile in the room.

They stand next to each other closely. Seokjin says, “I had lunch with Jungkook today.”

”Yeah?”

“He said he was sorry, and that I was right to break up with him. But I'm driving away, and I just felt so small. Just asking myself why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?” Seokjin sighs dejectedly.

“We accept the love we think we deserve,” Namjoon tells him, reciting what Jackson said to him that time.

Namjoon says it soberly, without judgement. Seokjin lets it sink in. Namjoon walks over to the bed to do more packing. Then, Seokjin turns to him.

“Then why didn’t you ever ask me out?”

“I, uh, I just didn’t think you wanted that,” Namjoon tells him.

“Well, what did you want?” Seokjin asks him.

“I just want you to be happy.” Namjoon cocks his head to the side.

“Don't you get it, Joon? I can't feel that. It's really sweet and everything, but you can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. I don't want to be somebody's crush. I want people to like the real me,” Seokjin rants.

“I know who you are, Seokjin.”

Seokjin waits.

Namjoon finally speaks from the heart. “I know I'm quiet, and I know I should speak more, but if you knew the things that were in my head most of the time, you'd know what it really meant. How much we are alike. And how we've been through the same things. And you're not small. You're amazing.”

Namjoon cant contain himself anymore. He moves to Seokjin and kisses him. They stand and move to the bed, still kissing. They sit on the bed as Namjoon’s heart feels like it’s going to pound out of his chest.

Seokjin’s fingers are on Namjoon’s knee. When he touches Namjoon, he pulls away from Seokjin, shocked, like he’s seen a ghost. It hits Namjoon like freezing water.

“What’s wrong, Joonie?” Seokjin asks.

“Oh, ah…nothing,” Namjoon lies.

Namjoon shakes off whatever was bothering him and continues.


	12. Chapter 12

It’s like a dream for Namjoon. He watches Seokjin hug Jimin and Taehyung goodbye. But Namjoon is somewhere else.

“I’ll call all the time,” Seokjin promises.

“Promise?” Jimin asks.

“Promise,” Seokjin confirms, “And we’ll all see each other in New York.”

Seokjin’s mom calls out to him, “Seokjin, c’mon.”

Namjoon cant take it. He moves to the side of the truck and puts in the last suitcase. He looks over at Seokjin. The memory of them the night before, kissing in Seokjin’s bedroom as his hand touches Namjoon’s knee.

Namjoon snaps himself out of it. He truns back as Jimin and Taehyung part ways. Namjoon locks eyes with Seokjin. They take a moment, and then they come together to hug. Seokjin kisses him goodbye, trying not to cry. After a moment, Seokjin climbs into the drivers seat of his truck with Hoseok riding shotgun. Namjoon looks dazed.

A quick flash reminds Namjoon of when he and Seokjin were in Seokjin’s room. He remembers pulling away from Seokjin shocked, like he’s seen a ghost.

_“What’s wrong, Joonie?”_

Seokjin starts the truck, snapping Namjoon back to reality. Namjoon wants to scream for him to stop, but he’s frozen. He drives away as Namjoon watches Seokjin leaves. The truck gets smaller and smaller in the distance until it turns at the stop sign, and disappears. Namjoon stands there, alone.

Another quick flash comes by. Namjoon remembers one night out of many nights he's had with Seokjin. He puts his hand on Namjoon’s knee, but it feels different. They are not in Seokjin’s bedroom, and it is not Seokjin touching Namjoon, but…Aunt Cass.

_“Don’t wake your brother.”_

The memory only registers as a small blink of his eye. Namjoon sees his friends are crying. He’s not. He’s numb.

So Namjoon walks down the street. His eyes far away. The images and memories that are running though his brain right now are short, violent bursts. If you’ve never had an anxiety attack, this is how it feels.

_Suddenly, it’s Christmas Eve. Aunt Cass smiles to Younger Namjoon. “It’ll be our little secret, okay?” Then Namjoon nods._

_Another one comes quickly. Baekhyun is asleep on the floor. Aunt Cass sits next to Namjoon on the couch, saying, “Look, Namjoonie, he’s fast asleep.”_

_The third. Aunt Cass points to the sleeping Baekhyun. “Don’t wake your brother.”_

When Namjoon enters his house, the flashback of Aunt Cass getiing hit by the semi-truck flashes in his head.

_Four. Namjoon’s mom opens the door to reveal a policeman._

Namjoon is in the same entry hall, in the same house, just 8 years later. Banging his head against the wall, he keeps repeating “It’s my fault. It’s all my fault.”

He passes the photo wall on the stairs. The images of the family, years of history, are pinned to the wall. They’re ghosts on the wall.

Namjoon sits at his desk. He is perfectly still, trying to keep himself calm.

“Stop crying,” He tells himself, but the tears keep coming and he cant stop them.

_Five. Namjoon thinks everyone is staring at him. Baekhyun and his friends. Jinyoung and his parents. Taehyung and Jimin. And worst of all…Hoseok and Seokjin the night they toasted him. A paranoid nightmare._

Namjoon is falling to pieces. The tears run down his face in a constant, unstoppable stream.

_Six. Chanyeol hits Baekhyun. Hoseok hits Yoongi. The cafeteria erupts into violence._

And suddenly, Namjoon remembers what he's blacked out.

He thinks he sees Aunt Cass as he breaks the Linebacker's nose. Hits another in the throat. And pushes another. Namjoon looks at his hand, covered in blood. The whole school staring at him.

Namjoon holds his head in his hands, trying to stuff the pictures back in his brain, but he can’t. They keep coming, faster, and faster. Seokjin’s hand, Little Namjoon on top of the stairs, the police telling his mom that Aunt Cass is dead.

Baekhyun is hanging out with his friends at someone’s backyard pool.

His friend hold the cordless and hands it to him. “Baekhyun…your brother’s on the phone.”

Baekhyun casually takes the phone. “Hello?”

“Hey, hyung,” Namjoon says.

“Namjoon?”

“Seokjin and Hoseok left, and um, I just can’t stop thinking about something,” Namjoon starts.

“What?” Baekhyun asks, worried.

“Baekhyun, I killed Aunt Cass, didn't I?” Namjoon sobs into the phone. “She died getting my birthday present, so I guess I killed her, right? I've tried to stop thinking that, but I can't. She keeps driving away and dying over and over and I cant stop her. I’m crazy again.”

Baekhyun looks like he got hit with ice water. He knows his brother. He knows this voice. He covers the phone with his hand and tells his friend to call the police and send them to his house.

“No, Namjoon, listen to me. Mom and dad are going to be home with Jinyoung any second—“

“I was just thinking…” Namjoon continues anyway, “What if I wanted her to die, Baekhyun?”

“What?” The line is disconnected. “Namjoon? Namjoon!”

The house is silent. The hallway. The entry hall. The empty bedroom. Namjoon’s typewriter on his desk. It’s all so quiet. And then, we see Namjoon walking down the hallway. He turns the corner, and enters the kitchen. One room.

Namjoon doesn’t know where he is anymore. The past and present have bled together.

_Namjoon turns the corner into the kitchen. He walks up to Aunt Cass sitting at the kitchen table. He takes her and and turns it over to reveal her wrist scars._

Namjoon looks from the table to the counter with the bread and the knives. He stares at the sharp, metal utensils for a moment…

Just as the policemen break down the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, kinda confusing tbh. most of the flashbacks are in italics though.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> YAH! SO THIS IS OFFICIALLY THE LAST CHAPTER!!
> 
> so thanks to everyone who took the time to read this shitty ass fanfic. if you want the transcript from where i got this heres the link ---> http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Perks-of-Being-a-Wallflower,-The.html
> 
> so yeah!! i hope ill still be writing after this, and i hope to see you again soon >w<

The door opens slowly. A psychiatrist, Dr. Burton, enters. She finds Namjoon sitting in the corner. He has been crying.

“Namjoon? I’m Dr. Burton,” She gently says.

“Where am I?” He croaks out.

“Mayview Hospital,” She says.

This news hits Namjoon hard, making him panic, “You have to let me go. My dad cant afford it.”

“Don’t worry about that,” She says.

Namjoon still continues to protest. “No. I saw them when I was little, and I don’t want to be a Mayview kid. Just tell me how to stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“Seeing it. All their lives. All the time. Just…how do you stop seeing it?”

“Seeing what, Namjoon?”

Namjoon eventually breaks, “There is so much pain, and I don’t know how to not notice it.”

“Who’s hurting you?”

“No! Not me,” Namjoon quickly explains, “It’s them. It’s everyone. It never stops. Do you understand?”

Dr. Burton smiles, sympathetic. Namjoon nods, relieved that someone finally understands.

“What about your Aunt Cass?”

What was tears is now confusion and soon to be shame. Dr. Burton is gentle to him.

“What about her?” Namjoon asks back cautiously.

“Can you see her?”

“Yes,” Namjoon admits, “She had a terrible life. But…I mean, what am I—“

“You said some things about her in your sleep,” Dr. Burton reveals.

“I don’t care.”

“If you want to get better, you have to—“

Namjoon looks at her, nodding her encouragement. “She was…insane.”

The minute he says one word of truth, Namjoon feels ashamed. He stops talking, and Dr. Burton does not press him. Not today.

“Namjoon, are you going to let me help you here?”

Namjoon cries and nods. “Okay.”

“Do you remember anything before you blacked out?” Dr. Burton inquires.

“I, uh…I remember leaving Seokjin’s house, and walking home…”

The sun creeps through the windows the next morning. Birds are heard chirping outside. The intercom is quiet. Namjoon is alone. He looks at Seokjin’s typewriter. “Dear Friend” is already typed, so he continues it.

_Dear Friend,  
I was in the hospital for awhile. I won't go into detail about all of it. But I will say there were some very bad days. And some unexpected beautiful days. The worst day was the time my doctor told my mom and dad what Aunt Cass did to me._

_The best days were those when I could have visitors. My brothers always came for those until Jinyoung had to go to training camp. He's going to be first string this year. And Baekhyun told me he met a nice guy named Yixing at his summer job._

_My doctor said we can't choose where we can come from, but we can choose where we go from there. I know it's not all the answers, but it was enough to start putting these pieces together._

~

The door bell of Namjoon’s house rings. The door opens to reveal Hoseok, smiling.

“Can Namjoon come out and play?” He asks, grinning.

Namjoon’s mom smiles. Namjoon smiles too. Especially when he sees Seokjin standing next to Hoseok, his hair dyed a pretty shade of red, and his eyes alive and happy.

They all sit at their regular booth in Kings. Seokjin and Hoseok have their coffee. Namjooon has his brownie. Like always.

“That first night, I had grilled stickies,” Seokjin tells them, “It was so good. You have to visit in the Fall. We’ll have some, okay?”

Namjoon smiles, “Okay.”

“Sorry Seokjinnie, Namjoon has a breakdown scheduled for October,” Hoseok jokes. Not a very appropriate one, but Namjoon takes it lightly since he’s known Hoseok for a long time.

“Well, can I tell you something? I’ve been away for two months. It’s another world. And it gets better,” Seokjin says, off Namjoon’s dimpled smile, “And my roommate Taemin has the best taste in music.”

Seokjin sets a cassette tape down on the table, grinning excitedly and proudly, “I found the tunnel song.”

Namjoon looks at Seokjin and Namjoon, who smile. “Let’s drive.”

The three left the restaurant in an excited rush and jump into Seokjin’s truck. Hoseok drives. Namjoon in the middle. Seokjin the passenger.

_I don't know if I will have the time to write any more letters because I might be too busy trying to participate. So, if this does end up being the last letter, I just want you to know that I was in a bad place before I started high school. And you helped me._

The three friends fly down the highway in Seokjin’s truck. The music blaring. The wind making their hair dance.

_Even if you didn't know what I was talking about. Or know someone who's gone through it. It made me not feel alone._

With Seokjin’s help, Namjoon climbs through the little window. He gets into the back of the truck. He sits down, looking back at the highway, watching everywhere he’s been.

_Because I know there are people who say all of these things don't happen. And there are people who forget what it's like to be 16 when they turn 17._

The night sky is behind Namjoon until they enter the tunnel, and he realizes just how fast they’re driving. The white tiles of the tunnel whiz at blinding speed. A perfect night. A perfect drive. Blinding.

_I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. And we'll all become somebody's mom or dad. But right now, these moments are not stories._

Namjoon turns to face forward. To the moment. To Seokjin, smiling at him from the front seat.

_This is happening. I am here. And I am looking at him. And he is just so perfect._

Seokjin kisses Namjoon. Then, he turns, and all three kids look ahead to everything in front of them. Namjoon begins to stand in the back of the truck, ready to leave the tunnel.

_I can see it. This one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive. And as you stand up and see the lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you are listening to that song on that drive with the people you love most in this world._

Namjoon stands in the back of the truck. The wind on his face. He is free.

_And in this moment, I swear…_

Namjoon sees the moment. The tunnel’s exit is getting bigger and bigger with the lights of the city behind it.

_…we are infinite_

The tunnel song blasts over the speakers as the truck flies out of the tunnel. Seokjin and Hoseok scream with excitement. Namjoon holds his arms in the air. The weight of the world gone. If only for a moment. This one moment. He sees the city. A million lights like white stars in a glass dome. They are in Heaven.


End file.
